Greg Kretschmar

Greg Kretschmar

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Why Willy Wonka's GRAMPA JOE is the Worst Character in Movie History

I've said it a million times, I know - but every once in a while someone sends me something about Grampa Joe, and it sets me off.

So here's a lesson I learned when I was a young: Grampa Joe is a piece of shit.

I knew it when I was a kid, and I still know it now.

He may be the worst character in movie history, in my humble estimation.

Why? Well - let me count the ways!

  1. Lets start with the 30 years he laid around that ramshackle shed they called a house - and did NOTHING to help his poor daughter. That poor woman worked her fingers to the bone in a friggin SWEAT SHOP HAND LAUNDRY SHACK - just to make enough to buy ONE head of cabbage to make soup for dinner! She struggled for years while that lazy prick laid in bed being waited on hand and foot!
  2. Tobacco: The poor woman can barely afford to feed her and her son - let alone the FOUR layabouts who do nothing to contribute to life in that house - and Joe has the unmitigated nerve to demand TOBACCO once a week? Are you f'n kidding me? I'd have snuffed this guy out week one. Boom. Pillow over the face while he sleeps, and its Goodnight Grampa.
  3. The dude laid it been and FREELOADED off his hard working, kind and loving daughter for 30 YEARS, yet as soon as Charlie walks in with the Wonka Golden Ticket- he dances a jig? And sings? Even as a kid, I saw this and was, like- "WHAT THE F????". Horrifying! If I was his daughter and saw him get up and dance right then - I'd have swept the kneed harder that that blonde Cobra Kai kid took out Danial-sahn with in Karate Kid! Then, I'd have dove off the bed and given that POS the peoples elbow right to the sternum! 30 years I waited on you hand and foot - and you CAN DANCE? He wouldn't last the night, let alone show up at the chocolate factory!
  4. He encourages Charlie to steal from the only guy in Charlies life thats ever done anything NICE to him. What kind of derelict teaches a kid that?
  5. He then encourages Charlie to go back on his word and give all the Wonka secrets to Slugworth!

Conclusion?

GRAMPA JOE IS THE DEVIL. Plain and simple. The dude is pure, selfish, freeloading, lying, cheating, stealing EVIL.

Even as a kid, I could see it from the seats at the Tri City Cinema in Somersworth on the day my sister Patti took me. Kids know evil when they see it, and I surely did.

If I was Charlie, I'd have brought my Mom to the factory to live there with me after Wonka gave it to me.

The other 3 layabouts? They can work with the Oompa Loompas. Hey - they can do shit while they sit in bed! You wanna eat? You work.

As for Grampa Joe?

I'd have tossed him out of the Wonka-vator while it cruised over London, sending his body plummeting to the ground, landing in Trafalgar Square.

And then I would have had an Everlasting Gobstopper to celebrate.

End of story.


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